"In daily life we must see that it is not happiness that makes us grateful, but gratefulness that makes us happy." Brother David Steindl-Rast

Tuesday, September 6, 2016

My Dearest Alcoholic Mind

Today I am grateful for time with friends and family this weekend and a successful long training run for our upcoming marathon.

I am also deeply grateful for each day of sobriety and recovery that I get. On Sunday, I celebrated 27 years of continuous sobriety. It's an ongoing effort, thanks to a powerful and patient alcoholic mind.
Does the effort get easier? Maybe. But I can't and don't let my guard down, because that is just what my alcoholic mind wants me to do. That's the way back to a drink and despair. Daily work is required for a daily disease. Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic. Hope remains as long as I work at it.

Boundless appreciation to all who have supported me and continue to support me in my recovery. Whether in recovery themselves or not, so many have taught me so much.

I write a poem each year on my sobriety anniversary. Here is the newest:

My Dearest Alcoholic Mind
When I first got drunk
And found escape
I was trapped
A downward spiral
Gained speed
My mind was caught
In chains unseen

The heaviest and hardest
Chain to break
Was that of my own
Dearest alcoholic mind
It is cunning and patient
Persistent and powerful
Everything you wish
A grave enemy wasn't

To battle this foe required
Going straight into enemy territory 
I first went in alone
An easy target
Unable to navigate deep trenches
Hidden minefields and a sniper's accuracy

This sniper was my own mind
Systematically shooting down sanity
Reinforcing my need for another drink
Convincing me
That my worst enemy was me
And my best friend was alcohol

The only way to win was to keep drinking
But it didn't feel like victory at all
It felt much more like despair and desperation

Scarred, defeated, and ready to surrender
I waved the white flag
And felt chains loosen

What my dearest alcoholic mind has
Is a weak spot
For complete surrender

My mind still wakes up each day
Primed for battle
Carrying weapons like self-pity and resentment

My desire for recovery wakes up too
Ammunition at the ready
Including ongoing surrender
Along with honesty and acceptance
Faith and willingness
And a front line of gratitude

9/4/16   Marking 27 years of sobriety

4 comments:

  1. Congratulations, Lisa! I know how hard you have had to fight the demon that alcohol can be. I am so proud of you.

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    1. Thank you Lisa! It is not a fight I would stand a chance in if alone. Faith in a Higher Power and support from many others help make recovery possible - one day at a time. Onward!

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    2. Always so proud of those who have fought the fight and continue. Yes, we all need that higher power and others who will support us. I too, have to deal with so much in my life - one day at a time.

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    3. Thanks Lana. I appreciate this quote: "Life is hard by the yard, but by the inch it's a cinch." Maybe not a cinch, but easier in daily or hourly chunks ☮

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