Presence as Present

Today I am grateful for time with my sister Aileen on both ends of her recent trip. I am also grateful for discussions on meditation with three different people recently. My meditative practices are more of the "moving meditation" variety, but it all reminds me to slow down and cleanse my thoughts.

And it fits with #1 from yesterday's quote:  Your presence is a present to the world.

This seems particularly important in the harried and hurried world we often find ourselves in. We are plugged in to technology more than we are plugged in to one another. Taking the time to listen and be there for other people like family, friends, and co-workers really is a gift. 

I wrote an essay a couple of years ago that ended up being my first paid and published piece. It was in the Minneapolis Star Tribune in December of 2010 with the title "Slow down, you move too fast" and it fits very well with today's topic, so here it is:

Make Your Presence a Present

            Are you proud of your ability to multitask? Maybe you shouldn’t be. Are you tired of the pace of the world around you? Maybe you should be. The word frenetic comes to mind when I consider the overall condition of our society and the life of the typical parent in America. Too many are harried, hurried, full of stress. There is not enough time in the day and barely enough caffeine to sustain us. 

Who is to blame? Let’s face it—we are. We have forgotten how to say no. Too many wants have become needs and too many wishes are now musts. It would be more understandable if those needs and musts were of more substance. Too often they stem from our competitive society, our greed for material goods, and our increasing inclination to succumb to “But everyone else is doing it.”

I am talking to the adults here, not the children.  We convince ourselves that we are giving our children every advantage by putting them in a multitude of activities and pushing them to do more and to do it better. It has become the new version of keeping up with the Joneses. When did we fall to the lie that we are measured by our children’s success? Success here being measured more by their resume than their character. Young people aren’t necessarily benefiting from this push. They know a level of stress we didn’t at their age. Childhoods are being lost to the competitive and wild ride our culture deems necessary. Worse yet, sons and daughters are losing their parents in the process.

A beautiful quote by Sue Atchley Ebaugh reads: “The greatest gift we can give one another is rapt attention to one another’s existence.”  Multitasking and rapt attention cannot occur simultaneously. Rapt attention isn’t taking place between pick-up from activity A and drop-off for activity B. Though four texts and two voice mails does constitute attention to your child, neither gets you in the same room at the same time. (At least I hope not.) This is what our children, our society need: our rapt attention. Nothing else matters as much.

This holiday season consider making your presence a present to as many people as you can. Less wrapped and more rapt. Give 100 percent of your attention to the person who seeks it at any given moment. Put the cell phone down and look them in the eye.  Push the laundry aside until later. Practice saying no and feel how empowering it is when you free up time for yourself and your loved ones.  Time to play catch in the backyard.  Time to talk over a cup of hot chocolate.  Time to sit in the living room reading together.  Time to make your grandma’s cookie recipe.

If you resent saying yes, try no. If you are exhausted, say a guilt-free “sorry we are unable to attend.”  If you are too busy, ask yourself why?  Is your time going to priorities defined by you or to preconceived notions established by our culture of excess? Set the right kind of example for young people. Show them what healthy balance looks like. I am willing to go out on a limb and say that healthy balance will mean a lot more to them and a successful future than making a certain grade or getting a higher ACT score.

We are in need of a movement back to family basics, to balance and a more sane pace.  The moments we are missing are gone forever. If your to-do list is longer than your gratitude list, consider a rewrite.