Squander

Today I am grateful for today. This day, this 24 hours. It is all we get, and it is enough.

Squander is not a word I hear often, or use in my writing much, but I came across it recently and it wanted to tell me a couple things. I listened and considered. It is defined as: to waste (something, especially money or time) in a reckless and foolish manner, allow an opportunity to pass or be lost.

Generally seen as a negative, I propose that squander has a good side too. My life has been too much about getting things done, not wasting time, staying productive because it defined me and my worth. 

Overdoing and overthinking devalued my sense of self and squelched self-care over the years. I got lost in rote actions and rigid routines. My emotional and spiritual health paid the price. Pain woke me up, but only after bringing me to my knees. Surrender to win.

And then the pandemic came along. I have squandered more time in recent months playing word and dice games on my phone...but I have found them a source of comfort when everything else is topsy-turvy. I have squandered opportunities because I was too tired to pursue them. This is the new sense of self-compassion I am arriving at. I don't need to do it all, and sometimes absolutely nothing is the best thing for me to do.

One thing I have not squandered is my recovery from alcoholism. I lean into it and learn from it every day. My recovery connections, timely messengers and messages, and an ever-patient Higher Power are always with me.