Revisiting an Old Post, But Not Old Emotions

Living gratefully today, I appreciate the warm glow of winter and holiday lights throughout our home.

My sister Aileen used the term "winter lights" to describe what many Alaskans put out this time of year to lend some brightness to the darkest months. I see many others doing that in the lower 48 this year too. 

I decided to revisit an old post today instead of composing a brand new one. It is from three years ago and titled Flat, But Not Flatlined I got the idea from a Cure magazine cover story titled "Flat, But Not Flattened." Here are a couple paragraphs from the post: 

I have several ways to refer to my new chest terrain following bilateral mastectomy. "The area formerly known as my breasts." and "strange vacancy" are two of them. Flat and free. Flat, but not flat affect. And as I read this most recent cover story, I thought about "flat, but not flatlined." I am alive. I have not flatlined. I am not remaining static, nor is my level of gratefulness and energy toward life.

I have lived life just as fully without breasts as I did with them. Arguably more fully in ways. There's something to be said for going through the fear and upheaval of a cancer diagnosis and treatment, toiling long and hard over decisions about what to do about body parts, and coming out the other side minus two breasts, but more deeply in tune to what it means to be alive and to be a woman.

I am now nearly 12 years out from my mastectomies. The grief and other painful emotions have long since subsided, though they are never fully gone. And the pandemic this year gives whole new significance to terms like flatlined. 

My plan for today: Tuning more fully in to what it means to be dynamic, not static. The energy pull from our current circumstances is a heavy one. I can meet it with the lessons learned from cancer. Dire days can be survived. We can send light out into a dark world.