Not Junk
Today I am grateful for understanding and laughter among friends. I am also grateful for time to clean files and make more room for new materials in my office at work.
One of my favorite ways to describe ongoing recovery from alcoholism is "my journey of self-acceptance." I don't know another alcoholic or addict who wasn't their own worst enemy, who didn't beat themselves up on a regular basis. But I can only speak for myself. I hated myself. I always felt "less than" and never good enough in my own eyes. I figured that was the way the rest of world saw me too, so self-pity was a natural by-product. Self-pity clouded my perception of self and surrounding world and kept me stuck for a long time. Alcohol offered a respite from my private hell, even if only temporary. But alcohol added to the self-hatred in many more ways.
Stopping drinking is only the start of recovery. The rest is learning to live life and love self. I had to change my way of thinking and I needed help. I still do. Other people on the same journey help me. People who know me and love me as I am help me. And a Higher Power helps me. God. Universe. Creator. You can call this power whatever you want. What truly matters is that I believe in that power and that I realize it is beyond me, greater than me.
Recovery has been a process for me and I have been a slow learner in many respects. That is okay, as long as I am heading in, or at least facing in, the right direction. Recovering people will often talk about their ego getting in the way, how they thought they could control everything, how giving up was a weakness. But I hated myself. How could I have an ego issue? Over time, I learned that spending a lot of time thinking about yourself, whether those are positive or negative thoughts, is a function of ego. Such thoughts, in my case negative and demeaning, crowded out a Higher Power.
When I was about five years sober, I found some clarity on this, with the help of others. I always thought ego meant you felt you were better than others, and I came to learn that in ways I did operate that way. Why don't you do it my way? If you would just hear me out, you would see how much sense I make.
But I primarily struggled with the opposite-feeling unworthy, unlovable, always feeding that self-pity that plagued me. Someone pointed out that whether you think you are better than others or worse than others, those are both ego because "God doesn't make junk." That really struck me and made sense. It's not okay to think you are better than others, but it's also not okay to think you are worthless. It helped me see that my ego had indeed been crowding out a relationship with a power beyond myself. Doors began opening and today I continue to work on building a relationships with God and my fellow humans. For this opportunity, I am truly grateful.
One of my favorite ways to describe ongoing recovery from alcoholism is "my journey of self-acceptance." I don't know another alcoholic or addict who wasn't their own worst enemy, who didn't beat themselves up on a regular basis. But I can only speak for myself. I hated myself. I always felt "less than" and never good enough in my own eyes. I figured that was the way the rest of world saw me too, so self-pity was a natural by-product. Self-pity clouded my perception of self and surrounding world and kept me stuck for a long time. Alcohol offered a respite from my private hell, even if only temporary. But alcohol added to the self-hatred in many more ways.
Stopping drinking is only the start of recovery. The rest is learning to live life and love self. I had to change my way of thinking and I needed help. I still do. Other people on the same journey help me. People who know me and love me as I am help me. And a Higher Power helps me. God. Universe. Creator. You can call this power whatever you want. What truly matters is that I believe in that power and that I realize it is beyond me, greater than me.
Recovery has been a process for me and I have been a slow learner in many respects. That is okay, as long as I am heading in, or at least facing in, the right direction. Recovering people will often talk about their ego getting in the way, how they thought they could control everything, how giving up was a weakness. But I hated myself. How could I have an ego issue? Over time, I learned that spending a lot of time thinking about yourself, whether those are positive or negative thoughts, is a function of ego. Such thoughts, in my case negative and demeaning, crowded out a Higher Power.
When I was about five years sober, I found some clarity on this, with the help of others. I always thought ego meant you felt you were better than others, and I came to learn that in ways I did operate that way. Why don't you do it my way? If you would just hear me out, you would see how much sense I make.
But I primarily struggled with the opposite-feeling unworthy, unlovable, always feeding that self-pity that plagued me. Someone pointed out that whether you think you are better than others or worse than others, those are both ego because "God doesn't make junk." That really struck me and made sense. It's not okay to think you are better than others, but it's also not okay to think you are worthless. It helped me see that my ego had indeed been crowding out a relationship with a power beyond myself. Doors began opening and today I continue to work on building a relationships with God and my fellow humans. For this opportunity, I am truly grateful.
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