Whispers and Knocks

Our inner wisdom is persistent, but quiet. It will always whisper, 

but it will never stop knocking at your door. 

Vironika Tugaleva

If my inner wisdom hadn’t been persistent, I might be dead. Sounds dramatic, but is it? It had to be something good in me that kept the ugly active alcoholism from finishing me off one night in a depressed blackout. And in the decades since, I may have stayed stuck in ruts even longer than I did. 

And quiet? It may have helped if the wisdom had made a little more noise. But then again, the mean clatter already going on would have needed a pretty high volume to drown it out. Quiet is better. More gentle. Perhaps a little subversive even, in the best way. 

Even though I stopped drinking, I continue to be an alcoholic. Alcoholism is as much about thinking as it is about drinking. I am a slow learner, so my inner wisdom has really shown true perseverance. I ignored it, denied it, lied to it, scoffed at it. It persisted and came through. Sometimes in very subtle ways. Other times as moments of clarity that are very direct. 

Most often, I was the one blocking the door when the knocks came. Self-pity, fear, impatience, ego and more held me back. Slowly, I learned, and continue to learn, to get out of my own way. 

In the last year, I have really stepped up a consistent meditation practice and revised some of my daily routines to remain disciplined, but less rigid. The whispers have been easier to hear. The knocks have been answered more timely. Inner wisdom and I are connecting like never before. Nice to meet you!