Drinking History
Today I am grateful for a good run and a clean garage topping my "done list" yesterday. I am also grateful for those who have served in our military, past and present, to protect and preserve our freedoms.
Today, and every day, I am grateful for the opportunity to be sober and live a life of recovery.
There are a couple of sayings among recovering people that are good for me to remember:
I feel well-grounded in my recovery and have healthy habits that are ingrained in my life. I am very grateful for this, because I also still have an alcoholic mind that lies in wait if I let up on recovery. I call it "my dearest alcoholic mind."
So when the conversation my friend Sheila and I had the other day included some of her memories of my drunken nights, it was helpful for me. Hard to hear, but helpful. Self-hatred was what I felt in my sober hours, and it is why I drank. To escape. To dull the pain.
But others, especially Sheila and a few others, witnessed my self-hatred in real time, when I was in blackouts. When I was literally and figuratively beating myself up.
Because I was a blackout drinker, many of my worst drunks never stuck in my memory. There is some blessing in that. The emotional pain and the mental anguish were always there though. A little dose of reality, through another's eyes, momentarily brings back the feelings I felt in the pit of despair I would fall into, making it more likely I will heed the above cautions.
And that brings with it renewed motivation to keep doing the work of recovery, day by day, hour by hour. Living gratefully is a key to me finding some peace in recovery, and not getting thirsty for an unhealthy and deadly escape.
Thank you Sheila. Thank you daily recovery. Thank you Great Spirit/Higher Power.
Today, and every day, I am grateful for the opportunity to be sober and live a life of recovery.
There are a couple of sayings among recovering people that are good for me to remember:
"Never forget your last drunk."
"The further you get away from your last drunk, the closer you get to your next one."
Cautions worth heeding. Alcoholism is a subtle and patient disease, and I have a healthy fear of complacency. It is also a daily disease. Recovery needs daily effort. There is nothing worth drinking over.
I feel well-grounded in my recovery and have healthy habits that are ingrained in my life. I am very grateful for this, because I also still have an alcoholic mind that lies in wait if I let up on recovery. I call it "my dearest alcoholic mind."
So when the conversation my friend Sheila and I had the other day included some of her memories of my drunken nights, it was helpful for me. Hard to hear, but helpful. Self-hatred was what I felt in my sober hours, and it is why I drank. To escape. To dull the pain.
But others, especially Sheila and a few others, witnessed my self-hatred in real time, when I was in blackouts. When I was literally and figuratively beating myself up.
Because I was a blackout drinker, many of my worst drunks never stuck in my memory. There is some blessing in that. The emotional pain and the mental anguish were always there though. A little dose of reality, through another's eyes, momentarily brings back the feelings I felt in the pit of despair I would fall into, making it more likely I will heed the above cautions.
And that brings with it renewed motivation to keep doing the work of recovery, day by day, hour by hour. Living gratefully is a key to me finding some peace in recovery, and not getting thirsty for an unhealthy and deadly escape.
Thank you Sheila. Thank you daily recovery. Thank you Great Spirit/Higher Power.
Thanks for the insight.
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